Had to put something happy on my Tumblr ;)
(Source: flicIkr.com)
Xanga Flashback Post: April 17, 2007
for you to notice…
I can’t believe that the semester is almost over…just a short time ago, i was a senior in high school, and now i’m about to be a sophomore in college. Good things and bad things have been happening in my life and I’m not complaining about them because in the end, it’s all going to make me a stronger and more determined person.
I am at the critical stage where I am trying to look forward and determine what I see myself doing in the future. I have so many doubts and I question every action I take: that includes me changing my major, decisions about relationships, about my life, about school, about everything…
Why am I so indecisive? I wish I could just skip that stage. I wish life were easier. BUT reality is that life will always be hard. A good friend reminded me that “God wouldn’t give us problems we couldn’t handle.” And she’s absolutely right. This indecisiveness is all a phase I guess. During these past couple of weeks or even months, I’ve discovered so much more about myself:
FIRST AND FOREMOST: I am a dreamer. It’s up to me to either sink or swim because besides GOD, I have the most control on how my life goes. I know I want to live a life I am proud of. I want to make a difference in people’s lives and I want other people to make a difference in mine too. I’m pretty sure I want to pursue a nursing career at this point. I realize that I’m good at helping people. I love volunteering and working with children. I love making people feel good because ultimately it makes me feel good too. All the doubts I had about changing my major just made me realize how right it was for me. I’ve researched so much about my major, checked out all my options. At one point, I even considered joining JHU’S ROTC ARMY NURSE CORPS. I talked to the general and everything, and was THIS close to contracting and signing myself up for the army. Scary thought huh? Ultimately, I realized how incompatible I was with a military career. But at least I’m aware of my options right?
I KNOW MY OPTIONS BUT I HAVEN’T BEEN DOING MY PART:
If I want it bad, I’m gonna have to work hard for it. That then means I have to set my priorities straight. My freshman year of college is not something I’m really proud of. I’m disappointed in myself. I KNOW how capable I AM to do well. I’ve been lazy and selfish to myself and to other people and because of that I’m a semester behind where I should be. X_X. I spend way too much time doing unnecessary things. I think I stare at the wall, do aimless things, and go on the computer more than I study. My own failures are my own fault though. I TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED and THAT NEEDS TO STOP! College is no joke, srsly. My parents bust their ass working almost everyday of the week and working their ass off to pay for my college education, my siblings’ private education, expenses, bills, extra curricular activities. Seriously, NO LIE. I know they’ve been working extra hard too because I’m NOT on any loans this year. I don’t know how they did it but I feel like I don’t give them what they deserve. Look how hard they work…and this is how I show my appreciation? BY SLACKING OFF and JUST GETTING BY.
INDECISIVENESS and LAZINESS=SELFISHNESS:
I figured out that sometimes you have to take a chance, even though things may not turn out the way you want it to. That includes decisions about school, personal life, relationships—-EVERYTHING. College is NOT the same as high school. You can’t get by studying for an exam the day before. You can’t skip class. You HAVE TO read and understand and do extra work outside of class. I always have to remind myself: “If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.” Think about how much money you waste by being lazy and indecisive. I’m not lecturing anyone. In fact, I am victim to my own criticism. I KNOW I’m a procrastinator. I am CLEARLY a procrastinator. Sometimes I remind myself why I’m in college because you gotta look at the big picture. You can’t always take the easy way out all the time because it’s hard work that gets you where you want to be.
Another thing I realized about myself: I realize that I have a strong network of people who care about me: my teachers/professors, family, and friends. They want nothing more than to see me succeed. They want me to be happy.
Something I wish I could change about myself:
I have a HARD time letting go…
This is the one thing I know I can’t change about myself. Because I have a hard time letting go, I take things in personally. I hate to say it but I get jealous easily and my jealousy leads to irrational actions. WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? What don’t I have that you want? I ask myself these questions all the time. I know it’s cliché to say but I’m smart enough to know things happen for a reason. I make assumptions without getting the story straight because I’m hurting inside and still am. I wish relationships didn’t hurt so much. Sometimes I want to be emotionless. I know it’s a bad thing to say but wouldn’t life be so much easier without any attachments? You don’t have to worry about ever getting hurt, EVER. I’ve been through three relationships already, and in the end had my heart broken three times. That right there makes me afraid to open my heart to something new. I’d rather not get involved anymore because I’m afraid of getting hurt again. They say time helps mend internal and emotional wounds, but for me time is eternity. Heartbreak is the worst form of pain and unfortunately has the worst healing process (I got that from someone wise lol). Therefore, I’ve already decided I’m not getting into any relationships or getting attached to anyone FOR A LONG TIME or THE NEAR FUTURE AT LEAST. Just to save myself from the emotional pain I know I’ll have to go through.
Listen to me: I’m not depressed. I’m not in denial. I know though that I’m a healthy individual. The best thing you can be is honest and the least you can be is honest to yourself. I know what I need to do…and I’m doing it for me..
it’s LATE and i’m not sleeping…
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Looking back at my old xanga posts. I had to remind myself of this knowledgeable/emo individual I was circa 2007.
How to Tell Asian Girls Apart…
IN SIMPLE TERMS:
Korean Girls: Sponge Bob Square Face
Chinese Girls: Dora the Explorer meets Mulan
Japanese Girls: David Bowie and Bjork make a baby
NOW YOU KNOW!
bahahah Paula Deen can’t get enough of butter ;)
(Source: needsmorebutter)
Thanks Internet!
Submitted by Tammy P:
Finnigan has it in his head that he, too, should eat at the table…
Screaming on the inside
aslkdfjal;sdkjgal;ksdjgl;aksdjl;akjdflkajdflkjadlkfj!!! God, help me.
As requested by the lovely blameme
